The Perfection of Imperfections
by untamed.fire
Summary: After the tragic loss of her best friend, Sasha Anderson felt like she could never let go and move on because of the guilt. Will time allow her to see past the pain, to the bright future awaiting her? Or will she never learn to let go?
1. Chapter 1

Chapter 1

It was the perfect start to my day, or so I thought as I cautiously peeked out from under my blankets so as not be blinded by the light streaming in through my seemingly ineffective use of curtains. My mind was still in a hazy state, my "dreamy state" as my friends so often used to tease me about.

I knew it wasn't right to just doze off and dream whenever I wanted but I couldn't help myself. If I had any say as to how I would like it, I would try my hardest to stay with everyone else but it was hard to keep my attention, especially nowadays. I was staring up towards my ceiling and observing my fan when the sudden thought of how I might instantly be crushed without a second's warning entered my mind.

Gruesome, I know, but I was lying in the perfect position to be crushed before anyone could bat their eyelashes. The thought lingered for a moment before I shook myself to get rid of it, and think about how I seem to not be able to do things right anymore.

No one has even thought about me changing, rather they feel that as the days slowly go by, I am becoming more and more incompetent which is certainly not true. My mind might not be in the right place when I am doing things, and that is the only reason for any recently silly mistakes occurring but it's not like I've doing it on purpose.

How is one supposed to act "right" when she has recently suffered the loss of her best friend in the entire world? Okay, maybe "recently" is not the right thing to say as Jason's accident had occurred a couple of years ago. However, I find it hardly fair that one can still be expected to act normal after such a tragic loss. Even his parents hadn't known him like I had; I'm not sure if he had trusted anyone enough to confide all that occurred in his eventful life.

Deep down, I knew why I couldn't let go, it was the guilt of it all, I suppose. No one knew why he had snuck out of the house that late, chilly night in December. No one that is, besides me and his older brother. I hadn't found out until it was too late, of course, and by then, my Jason was already gone. Later, during the wedding, his older brother, Chase, had pulled me aside for a little while to talk.

I hadn't known how to react near him as we had both been so close to Jason but before I could utter a word, he took the lead and told me about how Jason had talked to him before leaving the house, that tragic night he passed away.

I could only look up in shock and horror as Chase slowly and carefully told me how Jason had just broken up with his girlfriend of three years because he had realised that he had feelings for me. The reason he had snuck out of the house and was rushing to drive over to his so-called "destination" which happened to be my house, not that anyone else knew that, was because he wanted to surprise me by asking me out in a spur of the moment.

Right then and there, I felt like the world I had been so familiar with had crumbled into a million pieces. What was worse than this heartbreaking confession by Chase was the fact that I had liked Jason for a little while but after a while, I grew tired of waiting and started developing feelings for someone else. And who could it have been, other than Jason's older brother, Chase who was staring at me with such sorrowful eyes.

Looking up at him then, I realised, all of this was my fault. That the death of my best friend would always be a burden I would have to carry over my shoulders and only because he wanted to confess his feelings to me. The unbelievably strong guilt that coursed through me then was enough to cause a breakdown to occur. I couldn't help it; it just occurred so fast with everyone in sight vanishing before my tear-blurred eyes and my convulsive sobbing growing louder and louder as the seconds ticked by.

It seemed like in less than two seconds, there were dozens of people surrounding me but there was only one person who was holding on to me, trying to calm me down. And even without having my usual 20/20 vision, I knew it was Chase because he was the only other person who would have understood what all this meant and the emotional turmoil inside me as much as I did. Feeling his soothing hands trying to calm me down by stroking my hair was almost too much to bear. I felt like I was betraying Jason by taking comfort from his older brother and my most recent crush.


	2. Chapter 2

Chapter 2

However, in all of this loss and sorrow, I seemed to have forgotten to introduce myself. My name is Sasha Anderson and I'm 17 years old. And this story is about my life. That's right that means I was just 15 years old when I lost the best friend a girl could ever hope to have, and that also means Jason was together with his ex-girlfriend since the tender age of 12. It might have been shocking to most, but if you had known Jason like I did, it wouldn't have been such a surprise to find such a unique and mature boy.

The days that followed Jason's death were the worst kind of hell anyone could feel; I stopped eating, I holed up in my room 24/7, refused to talk to anyone, but the worst of all was the guilt. Each and every day I would wake in pain and dizziness because of the lack of food in my body and the feeling of how I did not deserve to see the light of another day when Jason was somewhere deep under the soil, lying there dead all because of me.

Day in and day out, it was the same routine, waking up to feel miserable and doing nothing all day until I cried myself to sleep at night from utter exhaustion. My parents and friends tried really hard to try and make a connection with me but I cut them all out of my life, the difference was I couldn't really cut out my parents as we all lived under one roof. They would try and try so hard to convince me to go to a psychologist to talk about all my muddled up feelings and if I still wasn't ready to talk and open up just yet, maybe going to a psychiatrist and getting the right kind of medication would at least ease the pain for a little while. But I was not ready yet; I didn't think I would ever be ready.

They didn't realise how much a guy like Jason meant to me. We were only in Grade 1 when we first met. I still remember the very first day of school, I walked into class and introduced myself and this shy little blond boy cautiously walked towards me and asked me if I liked pie. All I could do was give a huge grin and say that I loved all kind of pie and from then on, our friendship seemed to have been sealed. He introduced himself as Jason Halls and I, myself as Sasha Anderson.

You can't just let go of 10 years of friendship just like that, it's just not possible to do so. I would pointedly ignore anyone for days if they brought up the therapy and finally, my parents just let go altogether. Let go of me, let go of our relationship, let go of their own relationship. I watched as more of my comfortable life crumbled before me. I would be woken up from my sleep because of my parents bickering and then one day, decided that it was all too much.

Losing Jason was painful enough, but losing both my parents along with that would just kill me. And I couldn't let it go on much longer so I agreed to go to the best psychologist or as I like to call him, shrink, we could afford.

Our very first meeting was a little awkward because I hadn't ever opened up to a stranger before so I did not know what he might expect to get out of it all. As I waited for my name to be called at the small office, I was shifting uncomfortably from side to side. There was no way I would actually freely talk about Jason but maybe I could talk about everything else that has been going horribly wrong with my life recently.

It felt like ages before I suddenly heard my name and that too during one of my many daydreaming states. It started as a soft faraway whisper "Sasha Anderson", and became more insistent and louder each time "Anyone present by the name as Sasha Anderson?" I was so very reluctant to let go of this peaceful state because to be honest, this was the closest I had ever felt to peaceful since Jason's death. However, my dream-like state finally let go of me from its grips and I came to with a start which shot me right off the chair and achieved a few alarmed stares. Trying to shrug it off, and give them an "I'm fine" smile, I walked towards the woman who was calling out my name and followed her through a dark, oak door to a spacious room deeper inside the office.

I heard the soft but audible click of the door being closed and looked around to find myself in beautiful, modern looking room with the sun streaming in through the windows. There was no one else present in the room so I studied my surroundings. I had expected those experimental-like couches to be available where you can find people confessing all of their problems in the movies but that was definitely missing. Instead, there were two huge dark blue couches that seemed surprisingly inviting.

As I was still studying the room, the door must have opened and someone must have stepped in because I felt the feeling of some lingering behind me, along with another shadow beside mine. I turned around to find myself face-to-face with a middle aged man who was free of spectacles, beard and moustache. He seemed to be wearing quite smart clothes and his kind yet inquisitive seemed rather intriguing to look at. After a while, I realised that we had been examining each other for too long so I extended my hand to introduce myself.


	3. Chapter 3

Chapter 3

Dr. Steve Evans was how he introduced himself as and then he told me to have a sit. We didn't do much that meeting, just do a little bit of opening up by talking about the basics as to the reason behind why I was here and my thoughts about the whole situation. He was a man with dark chocolate brown eyes which seemed to express sympathy and understanding in one go.

He was quite tall, maybe about 5 foot 11 inches and even though I was 5 foot 9 inches, he loved looking down at me like I was a little kid who had lost her parents in a shopping mall. I told him the very first day never to look down at me like that, but I think he pursued the matter even more because of my great dislike towards it.

Just before the official meeting started, he pulled out a pair of spectacles and put them on. And from that moment on, I found myself sitting in that surprisingly bright room every Thursday morning for an hour. Sometimes, I found that he wore the glasses, other times he didn't during one of the meetings, I just had to ask why this was so. And he answered with a small smile that he felt the spectacles made him seem more like a psychiatrist but it held no power. This confession was followed by a wink as if to say, this is our very own secret.

In all honesty, I thought going to therapy would be a waste of time but I found myself cautiously opening up about all my insecurities, the difficult family life at home and eventually, the delicate topic of the guilt and sadness I felt since Jason's accident. I also found myself opening up and letting in my friends and family slowly because I knew that they had been trying to help ease the pain all this while. Deep down I had known all along that I was treating them poorly for a matter that I was struggling with deep down.

I didn't even know why I actually snapped at my loved ones like that. Maybe it was because I was jealous that they could so easily find a way to cope with the loss of Jason while I seemed to be bound to the same place with nowhere to turn to. It was definitely a heartbreaking process which involved a lot of tears and tissues, not only from my end but also my friends and family members' but in the end, I had to admit, that the whole process of opening up about the made me feel that I could move on.

The burden of the guilt that I had carried for those two years decreased breathtakingly and although, my sorrow for such a precious loss was still there, and I'm sure no one could tell me that I would ever be able to completely let go of Jason. However, I learnt how to deal with it in a more effective way. This is namely a passion that had started well before Jason died, and that was singing and song writing.

There is a slow murmuring nearby and then I feel someone shaking me awake. Startled, I sit up to find myself in my bedroom looking at my mother who was saying something. I realised that I must have woken up and found myself thinking back to Jason, it had been happening a lot since I started _recovering_ as Dr. Evans called it.

Staring at her lips moving with none of the sound entering my ears, she must have been talking in an impatient manner as her hand gestures seemed to be suggesting. What could have been the reason for that? I stared at her in the most amazed way for a little while she continued her wild gesturing. Finally, I looked at my clock and found that it was 7.30 already and if I did not get my butt off the bed fast, I was going to be super late for my first day of college.

I jumped out of bed, which seemed to startle my mother, and followed her out and went straight to the bathroom to freshen myself up as much as I could, followed by a prompt change of clothes which basically meant getting my hands on the things closest to me. Seeing my dad in a rush as well, I followed him out and into our car to set off to start a new chapter in my life.


	4. Chapter 4

Chapter 4

The long and short of it all was that I was nervous about the first day, or maybe that should be an understatement because as I found myself fiddling with the radio channels in my dad's car, all I wanted to do was scream. Sensing the growing anxiety in me, my dad took one of my hands and soothingly held it while I started going through some breathing exercises. "So I guess you're not nervous at all worried about the big day huh?" said my dad in a joking matter. I couldn't help but feel a smile creeping onto my face at his lame but sweet attempt at trying to ease me out of my currently unstable state.

Although, my dad and I had had a very close relationship prior to the death of Jason, and I suppose he still felt that we were getting back to that stage again ever since my therapy began. I knew deep down that no matter what, I could never look at life the same and so my relationship with anyone from then on could never be the same. With Jason in my life, I had always been at ease. There was no real worry about how I would spend my college days or what I wanted to do in the future. With him, it was just both of us, cherishing each moment together as much as we could.

With everyone else, I just felt like I had to try harder to be someone that I wasn't much of. I had to be a serious girl who had to consider her future as the only thing worth living for. But that wasn't how I felt at all. Life was something so precious that I felt that if I missed even a single second without cherishing it, something totally flabbergasting might happen and I might not know how to react to it. That's how I felt about Jason's death. I went days, maybe even months trying to hide away from the fact that he was gone. Jason was gone, and I had been left behind. I felt so lost without him at times.

Shortly, after I started going to Dr. Evans, life started to get back to normal. People felt that they could talk and reminisce about Jason with me, but I still couldn't handle the tragedy properly. I just let myself be present in body, but in my mind, I was far away. Soaring high like a bird, trying to escape the pain I felt every time his name would appear in a conversation or his face would flicker through my mind.

I had really wanted to get back my close relationship with my dad after all the therapy. I knew he was the only other person I confided in as much as I had with Jason about all that was going on in my life. But glancing at his direction now, I knew that things could never be the same. It didn't matter how hard either of us tried, the truth was the scar that had been left behind from Jason had scared me too much. I didn't think I could ever confide in someone only to lose them again. Maybe I thought that if I stayed a little distance away from those I loved, I wouldn't have to go through the heart ache of losing them.

Realising that I was staring at him, my dad shifted his head to look at me from the corner of his eyes but I mock scolded him for being a reckless driver which earned me a chuckle and a diversion from looking into those knowing eyes. Avoiding those eyes was the hardest thing to do. My dad had been such an important part of my life that with a mere glance at me, he would know all I felt. I couldn't let him see me so vulnerable or else he would start to worry. There was no way I could handle anymore worried looks from those who were close to me.

So I did the one thing I knew would help me feel better. I turned the volume super loud and started singing along to feel at ease with myself. Singing was probably the only thing that could make me forget my jitters for a while, and that was all I could ask for. After ten more minutes of driving and a really loud teenager singing, my dad pulled off at the curb in front of my college. The music volume was lowered, and my dad was wishing me the best of luck for the first day. I didn't know why but those words meant so much that I gave him a quick hug before calmly walking out the car.

Peering up at the building that read Belleview College University, I felt a cool façade come over me. Somehow, I knew that after a long time, I was ready to start a new chapter in my life. I was even excited about it. Having gone a few steps, I heard a loud shrieking which startled me considerably. Not because it was unexpected but because I hadn't heard that shrill voice for so long. I turned around just in time to be nearly tackled to the floor by a couple of my closest girl friends.

After a really long hug, I managed to pull myself away to look into the eyes of green eyes of Jess and the crystal blue eyes Taylor's. The fluttering inside my heart could only be an indication that I was not only happy about all that was happening but I was extremely pleased about it too. That was until I realised that there was someone following close behind them.

My eyes were having a hard time adjusting to recognise the face as the sun was also shimmering from the same direction. I could register dark blonde hair and a really lean, tall figure but that was all. Unfortunately, I couldn't have been prepared for whose face registered no matter how hard I tried. When it did happen though, I felt like a gaping hole had appeared below me and swallowed me whole. Who could it have been other than Chase, Jason's older brother.


	5. Chapter 5

Chapter 5

My first reaction was just to do nothing, not because it was going to be effective but because the shock literally froze me to the place I had been standing on. My second reaction after the first shock had subsided just a little was to run as fast as I could. It was as if ignoring the fact that Chase was really there, would make it come true but unfortunately that was not the case.

Mostly because I still packed between my close friends and I did not want to act like a crazy person by pushing them aside for no apparent reason and run for my life as if it had just been threatened. So I put on a small smile and played along with the "me" I had been just a few mere seconds ago. I was actually hoping and dreading at the same time that he would stop by to say hi but he didn't.

He walked right past me without a single glance and it left me feeling so hurt. I didn't even know why I might be insulted or hurt or even surprised by his attitude considering how rude I had been after Jason's funeral. I wouldn't talk to Chase, I wouldn't look at him, I would avoid him all the time. Although I was pretty much avoiding everyone by then, I think he still expected us to be able to share the grief we felt by Jason's lost.

What he didn't know was that I longed and longed for his comforting voice and hands soothing me but I couldn't do such a thing. I couldn't betray Jason like that. I couldn't let myself fall even more for Chase, not after his little brother had died because he had been trying to confess his feelings for me. So I became as prickly as a porcupine around him. Although it hurt more than I could ever have hoped to express, I just couldn't let myself get closer to Chase.

At that moment, I realised that no matter if two years had passes or even a hundred, I could never forget Chase, and I definitely could not deceive the fact that I still had strong feelings for him. Maybe hoping that if I pushed myself away from him, my feelings would just subside slowly, was not the best idea. Anyways, by then I was back to me surrounded by my friends and they had already realised who had just passed by us.

It felt like a cold blanket of wind had enveloped us but nothing of the sort could have been possible as there were no clouds visible in the sky and the sun was shining as bright as it possibly could have. The abrupt ending of all the chatter was too much for me to bear as I knew what they were all thinking and feeling. Probably something along the lines of "poor Sasha" but I wouldn't stand for it so I plastered a smile to my face and giving a slight shrug, told the others that there was something I had to look up before class started.

I hurried off as fast as I could without trying to look like I was bolting. There definitely was something that I had to look up, but I think he would prefer it if I called it a _someone. _Yes, I was planning to face my worst fear and talk to Chase about why he was in my college. Since he was a couple of years older than me, he couldn't be a student like I was and besides, last I heard, he had moved away to further his studies in America.

So what could be the mysterious reason behind his presence in my college? Unfortunately, I was dreading to hear the answer. I rushed through the doors of the building where I would be spending the next two years of my life without even cherishing the strange moment. Bursting in through the doors, I looked at one direction and then another. Before I realised what I was doing, I ran to the right. There was a hunch as to where he might have gone.

Even though it had been a different time and a different Chase, the one thing I was hoping on was that his love for books would have remained as strong as ever, even through the tragedy. So I rushed to the library, or so I was aiming but then I realised that we weren't back in my old school anymore. And even though I had gotten a tour of the entire school a couple of months ago, and I distinctly a library, there was no way I could find it in time.

So instead, I took out my travel guide through this school. It was really just a piece of paper that told me which subject was in which class, but it did not tell me where those classes were located. So I went straight to the administration office to enquire further, and that was when the bell rang, and I thought to myself, "well done Sasha, first class on your first day of school and your already lost and late. That's just perfect!" I managed to drag my glum body to the office where a kind person helped me get my bearings right.

Giving her a hasty smile and thank you, I shot out of the door to the location where my supposed class was being held. Bursting into class, I received many shocked glances which in the case of the boy population of the class, changed to flirty. I walked towards where my teacher was standing, still breathing heavily and apologised for being so late. Earning a kind and considerate smile, I was told to introduce myself and then grab a free seat anywhere in the class.

After the brief introduction, I sat down near the back of the class, which was free of boys, at least when I had first sat there. Unfortunately, soon enough, one by one, the boys exchanged their seats and moved to the back to seat near me. Somehow, this didn't surprise me but it did annoy me. Although, I wasn't much of a looker a couple of years back. After starting my therapy sessions, I started going to the gym regularly and dieting.

I always had pretty, light brown hair that consisted of the right kind of curls. It had always been kept short before, but after a while, I let it go so it grew longer and covered my face in a complimentary manner. Honestly, I didn't really like the fact that I looked how I looked because it earned me too much attention from the opposite sex and I really didn't want any of the attention which was why, I always told the ones who were brave enough to ask me out that I did not want to date someone who only asks me out because of my looks.

After a while, people just went along with the idea that I was still too much in grief over Jason's death to date anyone just yet. In their eyes, they had felt that maybe we had both dated each other secretly which certainly wasn't true but I didn't stoop low enough to correct the rumours. Pointedly ignoring all the boys around me, I realised that not all the boys had found me interesting enough to change their seats and come near me.

There were two boys who still remained in their original seats at the front. This gave me a sort of comfort until I realised that one of them had dark blond hair and seemed to be very tall. Without knowing how, I knew that it could only be Chase. As if sensing that I was staring at him, he looked back and our eyes locked. We just started at each other for what seemed like eternity before I broke eye contact and when I looked in his direction again, he was facing the front again.

I didn't know what kind of spell he had on me, but it was something that left me feeling like nothing else in the world mattered besides him. My heart beat seemed to increase ten-fold and I had no idea how to make it go back to normal. The bell indicating the end of lesson rang, which brought me back to reality. The fact of the matter was that Chase was attending one of my classes which could only mean that he was a student attending this college. So much for the start of a new chapter in my life.


	6. Chapter 6

Chapter 6

I stayed in my seat for a little while, trying to get my heart to calm down before I get a seriously under-aged heart attack. Looking into those baby brown eyes made me think back to the times when Jason, Chase and I would get together. We used to go to each other's houses unannounced, not that either sets of parents really minded.

Our close relationship at the tender age of 5 had convinced our parents that our friendship was something very special and delicate and so they had slowly started getting closer to each other as well. Soon, we used to just run to each others' house when one was feeling troubled, no matter what the time of day.

But looking into those blue eyes had not only sparked up old feelings that I had thought I had gotten over, it had also brought back the pain and sorrow of Jason's death. The way Chase had confided in me that Jason had been in love with me and was going to confess to me, the fact that it was probably my fault he had passed away was never mentioned because I knew Chase did not blame me but he didn't have to.

It was enough for me to blame myself. Shortly after their younger son's death, the problems started to arise at Chase's household. Chase became too disinterested about studies, he liked the thrill of having adventures and so he started hanging out with the wrong crowd. No one had to mention the words _drugs_ or _alcohol_ because everyone already understood why this gang was always getting in trouble.

Chase started staying out late at night, and coming back home either drunk or high and making a huge commotion because he couldn't walk straight. The stories spread like wildfire and soon enough, the pain was too much for Chase's parents to bear. They sent him away to study abroad hoping that being an independent person would make him change his ways, and soon after, his parents got a divorce.

Chase's mother left without any mention as to where she might be heading, but his father stayed behind trying to reconstruct his broken life. I knew that my parents had been close to where Chase's dad was and that was more reason for them to give him all their support to help him get back on his feet. As for Chase, I never heard from him again, and I was glad. That is, I never heard from him until that morning came about.

Remembering that I had other classes to attend, and that I still hadn't found a way to talk to Chase, I rushed out of class and went to the next class. Having a talk with Chase was very important, but getting my butt to each class on time was what mattered in that very moment and I was going to fulfill that task first. My next class was going to be Psychology, my favourite subject among all the ones I had chosen and no matter what, I would not let Chase's presence disrupt my thoughts.

At least that was what I had though only, the moment I entered the class, my eyes fell on his lean figure and I stopped right in my track. There could be no reason as to why he was attending this class. Whenever I brought up my "psycho mumbo-jumbo" as he called it, he would stand up and cover my mouth with his hands until I finally gave in and stopped. So why on earth was he there, in front of me, sitting like he had every right to be there when we both knew he didn't.

Walking at a brisk place, I managed to snag myself the seat right next to his to finally find out why he had to enter my life again, now at this moment in my life where I was finally feeling happy and getting ready to move on. But before I could utter a word, he looked up, gave me a slight smile and said "How are you Sasha? It's been a while hasn't it? Our baby Sasha has grown a lot since the last time we met." Hearing that and looking at him, I forgot the speech I had been preparing in my mind. So he still considered a baby, huh? Well that was going to change that very moment.

"What the hell are you doing here?", this earned me another smile and a gesture to seat down which I did. "Why are you here, in my college of all places? Shouldn't you be graduating from the college you were attending in America? Or did you drop out of that because you couldn't handle it?". After a stony silence, I was met with the reply "Well you certainly seemed to have forgotten your manners while talking to elders. And for your information, I did not drop out of college; I was doing some community work in Africa because I didn't feel like it was time for me to attend college just yet".

Honestly, I was quite impressed by the fact that he had been doing community work in such a dangerous country because it really showed his sweet nature but I did not appreciate the "forgot your manners" comment much. "Excuse me? You an adult? I don't think so. I'm more of an adult than you, always have been, always will be". He studied me for a while before replying me "Is that why you never opened up to me after Jason's death? I tried so hard to reach you but you never gave the time of day. Were you trying to prove that you were an adult and could handle it yourself, without my help? If so, congratulations because you did handle it all, by driving the one person who cared about Jason as much as you did, away from yourself."

What could I say? You're dead wrong; you have no idea how wrong! You weren't the only person I drove away, I drove every away, I tried to drive myself away from myself, that's how much Jason's death had affected me! No, I couldn't say any of that. But I could admit that I had been wrong to push him away when all he had wanted to do was help. I could say that after you left, after you stopped trying, I gave up on myself until I had to seek out professional help. I had to admit it to him because he would be the one person who would never judge me, but comfort me instead.

I had never admitted to anyone that I had secretly been going to a psychiatrist to get my head straight. They must all think I had woken up one day, felt like I had wasted enough time, and wanted to get my life back on track and that's why I'm here now. No, no one besides my parents and Dr. Evans knew about my shrink appointments but at that moment, I really wanted Chase to know. He would understand, he always understood just like Jason had.

I had even opened my mouth to blurt it all out as well; he seemed to be looking at me, expecting some kind of confession. I was just about to start rambling when quick footsteps and a stern voice made me turn around to face the front of the class. Our teacher was here, and by the look in his face, he was not to be taken lightly, so I just quietly sat down and acted like I was absorbed in my book when all I could do was remember memories of the three of us; Jason, Chase and I the first time we had gone swimming. Both boys had been eager to help me as I was looked like a scared bunny.

The memory kept on playing the whole time I was sitting down and looking engrossed in my textbook, like a movie on replay.


End file.
